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How do you lose something you never really had?

Tonight, something was taken from me by someone close. It's nothing tangible and it's nothing you can buy, but it is something you can fall in love with. It is something you can talk and argue and fuss over with someone you love until you get it just right. You can play with it just enough to make it your own, and make it something really special. It's something you can know inside and out, and feel like you've known it forever, but it has yet to become a reality.

It's something I've shared with people close to me from time to time, simply because I was proud of it and thought it deserved an ooo or an ahhh- when and where I could get one. I thought by doing that it made it sacred, I'd sort of put my stamp on it. But I guess I was wrong. And that's why this does not come across as a coincidence. Just not a chance.

Over the past few years, I've grown quite fond of this. I can even tell you exactly when we discovered it- fall 2001. Don't ask why, I'm a bottomless pit of utterly useless information. My memory can pull from the deepest and darkest corners the most random and easily forgettable information. But I remember. It was shortly after we'd moved in together when we discovered it and knew it was perfect for us- not at the moment, but in the future. So, like anything special that you would save, we tucked it away and knew one day it would finally be ready to be used.

Tonight my heart was torn at in a way I didn't know possible. I feel hurt and confused. I want to scream and yell and pound my fists and say terrible things. I want to make those that hurt me, feel the same pain I do. One of the best things about Shelton is that over time he has taught me to control that urge I get so often, the urge to just explode. So I'm trying to maintain. Wooo-Sahhhh.

So while this post may seem so cryptic and vague to 99% of the people who read it, I know exactly what it says and it feels SO DAMN GOOD to get it out. Writing has always been therapy for me, since I was a little kid. And tonight, it is pouring out of me.

I'm not fully understanding how I can feel this way over something I never held or touched or even looked at for that matter. But I'm feeling it as strong as anything I've ever felt. My heart is aching and eyes keep pouring tears. I don't know if it is a girl thing, if I got more attached, or if Shelton just doesn't care all that much- but I don't' think he gets this either.

Someone else very near and dear to my heart called to tell me the news tonight. This person has a heart of gold and always has. I have much respect for this individual. I want them to know that I love them very much, and while to others I may seem a little nutty over this- they really made me feel like I wasn't being unreasonable. Thank you.

I'm so tired and I really want to go to bed so that I'm rested for work tomorrow. It's 11;30 and I just can't go lie down. When I feel like this I have to keep moving, working. I'll lie in there for hours and never bat an eye- just replaying it over and over.

If I'm being unreasonable- then I will stop by tears. But I truly don't believe that I am. My heart is telling me so, and that's the part of me that always gets me in the least amount of trouble.

So I've vented and if you've made it this far then thank you for listening.

Maybe I don't get it. But I do understand your pain and I can assure you I was attached to it as well. I just don't agree that the value of this item, which we have yet to be able to put to good use, is greater than that of the relationship we have with the people who took it from us. I think it's okay to just take a few days or weeks of pain and conclude it with forgiveness than to act on the pain by "screaming and yelling" at the person or people who have offended you thereby creating a tension that will haunt you for years as you will be put into situations in which you must converse with them for the rest of your life. That is not necessary. You will never accomplish your goal of making the offender(s) feel bad or making yourself feel better. You can never get it back. The most you can do is hope to garner a cheap apology.

I know it hurts now but the pain will fade. We'll find another one. And when we do we will follow the example of the friend who called you. When people ask, we'll just say 'Twinkie' :)

I love you. I hate to see you unhappy. But I think in time you too will feel happy with the decision made and the restraint shown.

From Shauna...

I just dropped in to check on ya. I haven't spoken with you in a while.

I'm really confused and worried about this post of yours. I hope everything is OK. Keep your chin up! Whatever is bothering you will soon pass.

I hope to hear from you soon. Smile for me.

Everyone- I'm fine. I didn't think about it but this has generated a lot of concern. I'm not going to jump off of anything. In the long run this is a small thing- but I'm trying to keep peace amongst the fam so I'm writing in "code". Thanks for your concern. I just need to put my big girl panties on.

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