How do you lose something you never really had?

Tonight, something was taken from me by someone close. It's nothing tangible and it's nothing you can buy, but it is something you can fall in love with. It is something you can talk and argue and fuss over with someone you love until you get it just right. You can play with it just enough to make it your own, and make it something really special. It's something you can know inside and out, and feel like you've known it forever, but it has yet to become a reality.

It's something I've shared with people close to me from time to time, simply because I was proud of it and thought it deserved an ooo or an ahhh- when and where I could get one. I thought by doing that it made it sacred, I'd sort of put my stamp on it. But I guess I was wrong. And that's why this does not come across as a coincidence. Just not a chance.

Over the past few years, I've grown quite fond of this. I can even tell you exactly when we discovered it- fall 2001. Don't ask why, I'm a bottomless pit of utterly useless information. My memory can pull from the deepest and darkest corners the most random and easily forgettable information. But I remember. It was shortly after we'd moved in together when we discovered it and knew it was perfect for us- not at the moment, but in the future. So, like anything special that you would save, we tucked it away and knew one day it would finally be ready to be used.

Tonight my heart was torn at in a way I didn't know possible. I feel hurt and confused. I want to scream and yell and pound my fists and say terrible things. I want to make those that hurt me, feel the same pain I do. One of the best things about Shelton is that over time he has taught me to control that urge I get so often, the urge to just explode. So I'm trying to maintain. Wooo-Sahhhh.

So while this post may seem so cryptic and vague to 99% of the people who read it, I know exactly what it says and it feels SO DAMN GOOD to get it out. Writing has always been therapy for me, since I was a little kid. And tonight, it is pouring out of me.

I'm not fully understanding how I can feel this way over something I never held or touched or even looked at for that matter. But I'm feeling it as strong as anything I've ever felt. My heart is aching and eyes keep pouring tears. I don't know if it is a girl thing, if I got more attached, or if Shelton just doesn't care all that much- but I don't' think he gets this either.

Someone else very near and dear to my heart called to tell me the news tonight. This person has a heart of gold and always has. I have much respect for this individual. I want them to know that I love them very much, and while to others I may seem a little nutty over this- they really made me feel like I wasn't being unreasonable. Thank you.

I'm so tired and I really want to go to bed so that I'm rested for work tomorrow. It's 11;30 and I just can't go lie down. When I feel like this I have to keep moving, working. I'll lie in there for hours and never bat an eye- just replaying it over and over.

If I'm being unreasonable- then I will stop by tears. But I truly don't believe that I am. My heart is telling me so, and that's the part of me that always gets me in the least amount of trouble.

So I've vented and if you've made it this far then thank you for listening.


Looks like they made it!

Originally uploaded by shelfish.
Saturday was my parents' 25th anniversary. They have had more than their fair share of ups and downs and have made it through all of them.

Saturday's party was so much fun! All of our closest family and friends were able to attend- we were short a few and they were certainly missed.

There was plenty of food and beverage to go round. My sister, Jenna, created a beautiful "Sarape" cake for a fiesta themed soiree. Kyle and LaRenda built an impressive pinata at the 11th hour.

Click on the photo above to view all the photos. Congratulations Mom & Dad! Here's to 25 more!


"Am I Hallucinating?!"

We drove over to my parents house tonight to drop off my car and borrow the Durango (to collect our long-lost grill from OKC). We stopped at the QuikTrip to get gas at Maize and Kellogg at 6:15. I was astonished to see I was filling my car with gas that only cost A DOLLAR EIGHTY-EIGHT!!! Unreal.

We stayed at my parents for an hour or so and then headed home. As we drove past the same QuikTrip at 7:39pm, I noticed the gas was $1.99. WHAT?! I looked again, and then I looked in my mirror to see the other side. Barely an hour later, the gas had gone up eleven cents!

What is that about?


For the 46th time in my life- I've risen above the cardboard boxes

The living room is put together. The bedroom is put together. The kitchen is put together. The bathroom is put together. The den is getting there. The office/scrapbook room, also known as the "Mezzanine" or "Nerd Room," is far from there. And then there is an entire story we aren't using.

The packing is almost complete! We spent the weekend unpacking, arranging, shuffling, trashing, wiring and cleaning. I can't think of any more -ING words that work in that sentence.

It's starting to feel like home and that is a pretty good feeling. I can't believe all of this is ours- I'm pretty proud of us. I just wish the fireplace wasn't a death certificate waiting to be signed- do you have any idea how cozy that would be right now?! Considering I've been cold since the day we got keys, pretty cozy! Anyhow, the fireplace will fill our home and lungs with deady Carbon Monoxide if we burn a fire in it. So I'm thinking we aren't going to do that.

My goal was to have everything finisehd before we left for Thanksgiving in Edmond and I'm pretty sure we're going to make it. I just didn't want to deal w/ all this crap after the holiday- that way I can come home and decorate for Christmas!!

Lame post, I know, but felt like I needed to get something up here.


A life without internet is no life at all

It's been 4 days. Four days since I've watched TV, four days since I've watched a movie, four days since I've danced around on the internet. We've had no cable for four days, and do you want to know who is responsible? The award goes to- Cox Communications. We scheduled hook-up at our new home almost a month ago. Then, our scheduled hook-up date arrived, and no cable. Do you know what this means? I missed, the ONLY two shows on television that I give a rat's ass about. I'm actually fine that I've missed 3 whole days of primetime television. BUT- I had to miss Desperate Housewives and Gray's Anatomy. Unacceptable.

So Cox tells us that they can't come out until Thursday- that would be tomorrow. Bringing the tally up to 5 days without internet and cable.

Then I found out, this might actually be someone's fault other than Cox. For once, the cable company didn't do anything wrong! It's actually the fault of some satellite company. The house has had two dishes installed, and on one of the installations, the satellite company decided to CUT and DESTROY all SEVEN cable lines going in to the house. This means, I not only get to pay for the cable being turned on, I get to pay to have each. new. line. run into the house. Mmm, hmm. STILL NOT HAPPY over here!

In some ways, not having the TV or internet this week has been a little blessing. We've had time to finish cleaning and moving out of the apartment. We've had time to unpack some of our crap. We've had time for each other... yeah right. And it has allowed me to spend about an hour reading every night, just like they used to do in 1915 when my house was built.

I am anxious to have it back though. I hate not being able to get online at the house at night and I do like a little veg time in the evenings, drooling in front of the tube. Tomorrow, I can wait until tomorrow. Just like my curly-headed friend Annie.


Who knew food could make me glow with happiness??

For the past two days, my diet has consisted of smashed bananas, applesauce, smashed cottage cheese, cherry jello and, the centerpiece of this menu- macaroni and cheese- through the food processor. And while you're scrunching up your face in disgust, let me just tell you, with out that yellow paste of starchy goodness, I would died of starvation on my couch. I've NEVER been so hungry in my entire life. I eat constantly because I just can't get enough food in me. I want the ability to chew big meaty pieces of food and crunchy food and hard food and - I JUST WANT TO EAT AGAIN!!!

So last night, I was like maniac hungry. And my little brain was working feverishly to find something, anything, that could be run through the food processor and gummed down. Something with some substance and flavor. And then, this little piggy said ME ME ME ME- Hog Wild BBQ. Oh yes my friends, we went for BBQ, to go that is. I ordered a giant baked potato and 1/2 pound of pulled pork. I came home and smashed up my potato with sour cream and butter, and then I ran the meat through the food processor into a fine shredded material. I doused it with bbq sauce and then I ate... and I ate some more... continued eating. And when I was done, not a stitch of food was left on my plate. I didn't have to chew one time. AND I WAS FULL. Shelton said I was glowing. I kept giggling. I just felt so good to have real, substantial food in my belly.

Well have no fear, I'll get to feel like that again today at lunch. Damn right I saved half of the potato (GIANT potato) and half of my meat. I'm just watching the clock, PLEASE get to noon already. Hell, I may have it for breakfast!


Pictures of the house!!

Geeze Louise, did it take me long enough?! Ok, pictures of the house now exist, just not on this site. I'm not smart enough to put links in and Shelton isn't home and they are already loaded on his flickr account so why would I do it twice?

So, to access the photos, click on the link to Shelton's site on the left, it says "Shelton". Then, when you get to his site, I think it is the third post down (a picture of him holding a sander). Click that picture and POOF- pictures of the new house. He has it set up like a slide show, but you click the "Victor Pl. Set" button above the slideshow and see the photos w/ descriptions- so that you know what you are looking at.

Sorry I'm lazy.
Enjoy the pics.


Seriously!! Where is the tooth fairy?!

My how times have changed. When I was kid and I lost a tooth I got anywhere from 50c to a dollar. Today, I actually had to pay them to take my teeth out. Doesn't seem fair. I had my two top wisdom teeth yanked from my head this morning. I was in and out of there in about an hour. Full anestsia so the flight of stairs up to the apartment was not fun. Shelton got me all situated and my grandma is here tending to me now. I'm actually doing pretty well. Hurts a little, that is why I'm about to take 2 delightful little lortabs.

I just finished my first meal, handmade by grandma, smashed bananas. Yum!! Time for some pills and a nap.


Where is Bree Van De Kamp and her basket of cookies?!

We spent all day yesterday at the new house cleaning. We figure this is the last chance we'll ever have to do a thorough deep clean. Plus, I need to get rid of their dirt and germs before I can move in and start depositing my own.

We arrived early in the morning, just in time for the florist to almost leave. A woman handed us a giant peace plant. Of course, I anxiously opened the card and found that it had been sent by my office. I had a few tears, it was just unexpected. Well, that is our motto at work.

We then had steady stream of guests for about an hour: mom and dad brought by a car-full of tools, my aunt Felicia and her roomy Heather dropped by and brought us bread from Panera (which we devoured at lunch), our old roomy Sherry stopped by, then my parents came back and unbeknownst to me started mowing the lawn, and then grandma showed up with a super cute flip-flop clock. Oh yeah, and a guy from work, my new neighbor, stopped by with his two cutie boys. We gave the nickle tour to each visitor and each time we'd take them in a new room, we'd find something we hadn't spotted before.

4 houses worth of neighbors came out to meet us. Not at the same time, throughout the day. We'd shake hands, "Hi, I'm so and so, nice to meet you." Then they would want to tell us how long they'd lived there, the work they'd done to their house, how long joe blow across the street had lived there- guess what, I don't care. I don't want to be "that" neighbor, but really, not interested. The neighbor directly across from us said his little boy was crushed we had moved in because we'd taken away his skate park for his skate board (I guess he loves skating in our long driveway). We told him he could skate over there, we had no problem with that, and his little face just lit up. Off he went. I did tell him and dad that if he incurred any broken anything over there it was not our fault.

We are resting our achy bones and muscles right now and as soon as I can pry myself out of this squishy warm bed, we'll be headed back for another day of cleaning. Today we'll tackle the kitchen, the second floor, finish laundry and start the mold removal in the basement.


We are Homeowners

My-oh-my! What has really been a year long act of patience has finally concluded and will now become a 30 year act of poorness. We closed on our new home on Tuesday and have keys to the kingdom. She is a monster- 2.5 stories + a basement, 4 or 5 bedrooms (depends on how you look at it), main floor has all vaulted ceilings, original wood floors throughout, lots of little built-ins, fireplace, huge deck/front porch, red front door, nice yard and a couldn't-ask-for-better neighborhood. It was built in 1915 and has so much charm and character and SO much potential. A 1 car garage was added on at some point.

The neighborhood is College Hill, this quaint, charming area of Wichita with homes all built in the teens, 20s and 30s. They are all one-of-a-kind little bungalows. This is NOT yo momma's cookie cutter neighborhood, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

We got the house for more than we had budgeted (ahh, isn't that the American way?!), but we did get A LOT of house for a reasonable price AND under appraisal- can't beat that. So, we are going to be poor forever now because of our new mortgage payment. We'll also be poor because every free cent we get will go into one of the following anticipated projects:
- Update all the electrical
- Completely renovate the teeny tiny kitchen
- Create one mother of a master suite on the top floor- including bathroom and GIANT walk-in closet (cedar of course)
- Expanding the driveway
- Refinishing the wood floors
- Paint, new light switches, make the fireplace work, clean up the basement mold... and so on.

We already made our first "major" purchase- a dehumidifier. We got it on clearance thank you very much and it is currently drying out the basement in our quest for a mold-free, ok, a lesser-filled mold home. It's an old basement, we'll never win that battle!!

I can't even begin to tell you how excited Shelton and I are to have this home. We are both excited to be moving into such a spectacular home as well as ending this hair-raising process. I mean, we have seen the absolute best and worst in each other over the last few months. Trust me, it's been ugly. But tonight we stood inside that house together alone for the first time and just kind of surveyed the land. We are so blessed that such an early point in our marriage we have the means to buy such a home- something our parents could not have done. While we "owned" the condo in Norman, this is really our first home. The condo was a purchase made by his parents and for the majority of our possession, financed monthly by his parents. This is the first time my name has been on a mortgage along side his and it feels so so good. We must be doing something right!