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If it crunches, spit it out

I went to the doctor last week because I've been having some troubles with my tummy. I'm not going to go in to details but basically the doctor says I have IBS- Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Yes, friends, family and internet, I just said bowel without crawling in to a hole and dieing of embarassment.

The doctor said there are three things I need to do to make this not as painful, and three of which I've already decided I don't wanna do:
1) No raw fruits or veggies. WHAT?! I like fruits and veggies, please don't take those. He said if it crunches, spit it out. No celery, lettuce, salads, broccoli, apples, etc etc.
This is already not working out for me. I've already had to give up so many produce opportunities. Why couldn't he have said, no more Chinese food for you missy, and I would have said, oh damn!

2) Non-negotiable, 2 servings of fiber supplement daily. This means I have to dump this powdered Citrucel crap into my drink and guzzle it fast so that I don't taste it and it doesn't turn to pudding in my glass.

3) He prescribed these pills and why I don't know. He said it's an anti depressant that does nothing for depression and everything for IBS. Well, doc, I took these pills. If I wasn't depressed before I am now. I slept and slept and slept and slept, and if it weren't for Shelton dragging me out of bed, I'd still be sleeping.

So, I'm trying to follow the veggy rule, although it is hard. I'm trying to follow the fiber rule, but it is gross and i don't wanna. And I'm not taking any more of those toxic sleeping pills. This guy is going to have to find some other way or I'm just going to have to have a sick tummy for a long time.

I'm sorry to hear about your tummy troubles...Is the medication he gave you that Zelnorm stuff that they advertise on TV for IBS?

No, not Zelnorm. He gave me something called Doxepin, or something like that. It's an anti-depressant that he says does nothing for depression and everything for IBS. Weird.

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